"Attention Mr. & Mrs. America and all the ships at sea..."

Urgent message from Yahoo! News Service:

“Technology can sometimes be so ridiculous, we just have to tell you about it. Such is the case of the Japanese MPION MP3 player with acne-fighting technology. Wired writes the 128MB player can improve a girl's complexion by releasing positively and negatively charged ions that neutralize breakouts.
Apparently, you hold the music player to your face as you listen to tunes. Flipping the switch to minus releases negative ions to open pores and replenish moisture, while flipping the switch to the plus sign reduces oil and closes your pores back up. You need to do this for five to ten minutes per session.
That's right ladies and gents, zapping your pimples while you listen to Meatloaf is now possible thanks to this acne-fighting music player.”

Actually, I think listening to Meatloaf would give me cysts. And probably an addiction to Percodan.