Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Mr. Agreeable Picks The 10 Most Annoying Singers Of All Time

So I have this friend who lived in Canada for a spell and was recently forced to ‘relocate‘ to Mexico for reasons he‘s yet to share with me. Let’s just call him “Mr. Agreeable”, ok? He’s a very opinionated guy who’s just a tad unstable, and when he asked if he could guest on my blog I immediately agreed.

Out of fear.

So, just a simple caveat that the words and opinions of the following entry are those of “Mr. Agreeable" and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of Uncle E or the curators of Uncle E’s Musical Nightmares (heretofore known as UEMN) Any damage or hurt feelings caused by the following blog entry is the sole responsibility of "Mr Agreeable" and by reading the following one absolutely and legally waives ones right to take legal action or sue Uncle E or the UEMN collective.--Uncle E

Yahoo did this list where some professional ‘blogger’ listed and ranked what he felt were the most annoying singers of all time. What this so-called 'pro' had to say was crap, so I kept the list, got rid of his comments and wrote my own. Here they are. If you don’t agree with me, tough s#!t, complain to Uncle E. Complain to Blogger, what the hell do I care?

…in descending order…

10. Celine Dion
I would’ve chosen her as my #1 pick as most annoying, but whatever. So I lived in Canada for a spell, eh? 18 or so years, and found out that all SANE Canucks despise three things: Anne Murray, Americans winning the Stanley Cup and friggin’ Celine Dion! My wife (and most women, I’ve come to find out) love that cotton-candy-canker-sore-inducing song from Titanic, and played it a ton when it came out. It was inescapable, and the year it came out is the year I came closest to poking a hole in my ear canal with an ice pick. As her French-Canadienne brethren would say, "Écouter A Diantre, idiote!"

9. John Mayer: Don’t know much about Mr. Mayer, to tell you the truth, but I can tell you that from his picture he looks like some weird whiney emo hybrid of Matt Dillon and Donnie Osmond, and that’s enough to earn the guy a spot on this list. I also hear that he cries when he sings. Bet that goes over really well at the biker bars, eh Johnny-Boy?

8) Conor Oberst: Sorry, I actually admire this guy, own two albums of his. And that stunt he pulled on Leno (singing the anti-Bush rant “When The President Talks To God”) was just really brilliant. Go to Hell, Yahoo!

7) Lily Allen: Again, not familiar. Guess I need to hang out at the GAP more often…

6) Devendra Banhart: The self proclaimed leader of the new “Freak Folk” movement. I don’t care how hard this dude tries to deny it, he IS responsible and should be dragged through an Agave field for his crimes against humanity. The dude can have his communes, flower power, peace, love, eternal groovyness and fourteen friggin‘ years sitting on the ledge of the seventh level Of Dantes purgatory!!! And what’s the appeal with that god awful warble of a voice he’s been 'blessed' with? Perhaps he’s Tiny Tim reincarnated, eh wot?

5) James Blunt: First and foremost, I don’t believe the guy’s a dude. Secondly, “Beautiful” was sooo overplayed there should be a law that mandates the immediate destruction of the master tapes. Anyone caught playing the song “Beautiful” (or anything by Mrs…ahem…MR. Blunt) should be forced to eat pea soup out of Devendra Banhart's scraggly hippy beard.

4) Frankie Valli: A voice perfectly tailored to shatter eye-glasses within a 14 mile radius. I have no friggin' clue why this half-wit was so popular during the 60's and 70's. All I know is that listening to that “BayyaaaYAAAAAAAAYAAAYAAAABAYYYYAAAAYYBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! wail of his is enough to send one into an epileptic fit.

3) Billy Corgan (Smashing Pumpkins): Yes, despite all his rage he's still just a rat who can't sing in a cage. Who‘s supremely annoying. This faux prog rocker wannabe has plagiarized everyone from Genesis to Yes to Queen with lukewarm results every time. And Billy? Grow some hair, willya? Pete Gabriel did the bald schtick so much more convincingly back in the 70’s, brother.

2) Scott Stapp (Creed): You can feel this so-called Christian rocker’s spiritual torment every time he screeches and bellows into a microphone. He wants to be Bono so bad it’s embarrassingly obvious to everybody without a white cane or a hearing aid, and you know what the funny thing is? He REALLY thinks he’s an important artiste. Yes, that’s ‘artist’ with an ‘e’ on the end to denote his poncy-ness. Knob!

1) Michael Bolton: BLORRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Phil Fountain said...

I don't really have any argument with "Mr. Agreeable," but I refuse to relinquish the mantle of "Grumpiest Commenter On Uncle E's Blog" so I'm going to point out some obvious flaws in his reasoning without any real knowledge of him or his philosophical bent.

First, living in Canada for more than 7 minutes completely eradicates even the slimmest glimmer of having your opinion taken seriously. You lived in Canada. I don't care what your excuse is, it's CANADA for cryin' out loud and you resided there. On purpose. "But Mum and Dad lived there!" Tough shit. You could have run away.

I will agree about the Stanley Cup thing...especially when places like Florida, Carolina and freakin' Anaheim actually house the trophy. I hate to point this out to you poor Snow Babies, but, it doesn't matter...Hockey Is Dead. Deader than dead. It's Sidney Crosby and...what? An outdoor game once a year? In Buffalo?

What can you say about a league that plays its games on a network whose programming centers around menstrual cramps and cooking shows? Let's watch fucking Nashville vs. Columbus and learn how to serve cheese logs during the intermissions!!! Probably makes for a Big Night in Canada, but nobody in the civilized world gives a flying moose's ass about hockey anymore.

I mean, really, hockey? It's like soccer, only colder.

You know what Canada needs? Some Mexicans.

A few Cholos would really brighten things up north of the border. They would say Canada like La Cañada (La Con-yadda) You guys need some hot sauce up there.

I'll bet nobody in Canada has ever had a decent taco. Frozen burritos don't count. By the way, you don't put maple syrup on tortillas. I know they look kind of like flapjacks, but they're not.

Take my word for it, Canada would be a much better place if it had Mexicans instead of Canadians in it. Celine Dion would never have made it out of Saskatchawhatever if she had to take gym class with Spooky, Snoopy and the 13th Street Chicanas.

Just my opinion (which counts, because I'm not Canadian...even a little.)

Hal Johnson said...

Oh geez, between the list and Phil's comment, I've laughed so hard my ribs are sore.

Franko6677 said...

I think Mr. Agreeable has a pretty sound analysis. And for a split second I thought it was Mr. Yuk in that picture.

Uncle E said...

Phil, Mr Agreeable just sent me an email stating his intentions of starting a blog entitled "No Phat Philberts" in the near future. Sorry 'bout that, man.

Anonymous said...

You need to chill out, put on a took, chow down on some back bacon and ketchup chips, learn the fine points of curling and get on with life. Canada rules. They've even got a town named Vagina! (Or maybe it's Regina? I don't know.)
Anyway, great bands come out of that place, eh. Cowboy Junkies. And Neil Young. And most of The Band. But you know this.
As for the annoying singers, my gosh I heard Whitney Houston the other day in a store. It literally induced a headache.

Uncle E said...

I just received the following reply to Jim Dyer, direct from Mexico, from Mr Agreeable:

"Mr. Dyar, first of all it's "Tuke". Secondly, only Newfies eat ketchup chips. Thirdly...well, curling IS a wonderfl sport, so no arguement there. Fourth, "Vagina", as everyone up North knows (duh!) is a State located in the eastern United States on Chesapeake Bay and the Atlantic Ocean.
Watch 'Strage Brew' 50 times in a row, hoser, and you'll get it.

Take Off,Eh?--Mr Agreeable"

kurt said...

that sonafabitch from nickelback
should be #1 in your list.
wanna skin him alive and throw him inside a well full of african fire ants!!!!

Uncle E said...

Yes, Kurt, I think I speak for Mr Agreeable and myself when I say "YES". Total agreement there.

ThomG said...

Lily Allen's OK. And why the HELL was Mariah Carey let off this list? There, see, I just threw up in my mouth a little. Oh, and Kurt's right, that ass from Nickelback sings out of his ass.

Anonymous said...

You know Phil, that is exactly the kind of commentary I'd expect from someone of the American persuasion. It is SO typical, it's almost worse than Celine Dion.

You know what would be refreshing? If you American hicks could get over your insecurity about being situated next to a place as GREAT as Canada. Cause really, isn't it just penis envy on a larger scale?

You notice I don't have to sit here and slam America to feel good about myself. Oh right, that's because I come from the BEST part of North America. That would be Canada.

And how did Mariah Carey and Whitney get overlooked?

Slammy Tami

Uncle E said...

Tami, great response. I know for a fact that Phil wishes his penis were the size of Canada.