Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Bogus Band Bio #4: Who’s Cryin’ Now?, part V


'Why are you drinking?' demanded the little prince.
'So that I may forget,' replied the tippler.
'Forget what?' inquired the little prince, who was already sorry for him.
'Forget that I am ashamed,' the tippler confessed, hanging his head.
'Ashamed of what?' insisted the little prince, who wanted to help.
'Ashamed of drinking!' the tippler brought his speech to an end, and shut himself up in an impregnable silence.
And the little prince went away puzzled.
'The grown-ups are certainly very, very odd,' he said to himself.'

Excerpt from ‘The Little Prince’

“I’m hallucinating,” Steve thought to himself as keyboardist Gregg Rolie started to bang out the opening riff to ‘Don’t Stop Believin’. His eyes turned to the red light bulb above the door to the studio. ‘This has already happened. THIS HAS ALREADY FREAKIN’ HAPPENED!!” Steve yelled, out loud this time, and violently threw his mike stand through the framed photo of Andy Kim, destroying it instantly.

“Hey, WHOA,” yelled Schon. “A little respect for the mighty Kim, bro! My mother painted that!”

Steve started hyperventilating, and soon fell to his knees.

He had every intention of playing along with this 'dream', he really did. But this was just too surreal to keep up the facade. He could smell the putrid sweat emanating from Schon’s ratty headband (or was it the leather trousers?) for God's sake. And how often does one dream about odors, anyway?

Neil Schon once again broke the silence. “This better not be the Peyote, Steve. You signed a waiver!”

What?

Oh, right.

Steve remembered that back in the late 70’s, friend and confidante Gary Glitter gave him some Peyote at one of his famous swinging ‘fish bowl’ parties. Steve had heard of Peyote, but just that it was a plant, with an effect not unlike pot. He didn’t realize until it was too late that the main psychotropic ingredient in Peyote is Mescaline, which can be highly addictive. Steve ended up hooked for over 12 months before the band decided to have an intervention. The thought of being forced out of Journey was just too painful, so he agreed to 2 months of rehab and to sign a ‘Band Document’ (a letter of intent, really), which was the 'waiver' Neil was referring to.

His head started swimming again, but this time he couldn’t breathe. There was something blocking his throat. He tried to cough but all that came out was an ever expanding river of white foam.

“Get an ambulance,” cried Neil.

Then Steve, once again, blacked out.

What Steve couldn’t have known is that the boys were sending him to Lakeview Nervous Hospital, an infamous lunatic asylum run by, reputedly, the Devil himself…

To be continued…

3 comments:

Philbert said...

Oooh, I can't wait. Steve and the devil, together at last! Which do we fear more?
OK, I know I'm gonna get flamed for this, but here's a list of bands fully deserving of ridicule. In some cases it's a whole genre, why waste time?

Styx: Awful, awful band. No redeeming value. Period. Sorry Benda, I love ya man, but this stuff will rot your speakers.
Foreigner: Maybe if the core had remained Spooky Tooth I would be kinder. But they didn't, so I wont.
Kiss: Do I really have to explain why?
Alice Cooper: OK, there were maybe one or two decent singles, no, wait, there really wasn't. Music for future Republicans to play golf to. "I am such a rebel! Pass the Chardonnay Muffie..."
Kansas: Remember the rule about bands named after cities and states? Boston, Chicago, etc. It still applies.
The whole 'Flock Of A Hundred Haircuts' period. Pirate shirts and synthesizers....Dear God, shoot me. In fact, just take the 80's and bury 'em with that crazy actor. Yeah, I'm talkin' about Ronnie Raygun.
Queen: Despite what the latent homosexual in me says, overblown (hee, hee) pomp.
ELO: I tried. Really I did. I wanted to like Jeff Lynne. Another rule of thumb: if your stage show requires a massive flying saucer, you're trying too hard.
Anything by Elton John after 'Madman Across The Water.'
Now here's another chink in my armour...I love Cat Stevens. Doesn't make sense does it? Can't explain it, but there it is. Mona Bone Jakon (with guest Peter Gabriel,) Tea For The Tillerman and Teaser and the Firecat are great albums. Catch Bull At Four was top-rate. Sorry, flame away.
Air Supply, Bob Welch, Andy Gibb, Toto, America, Pure Prairie League, Kenny Rogers, Foghat, Deep Purple, Black Sabbath, Adam & The Ants,The Knack,Anything or Anyone promoted by Rodney Bingenheimer...the list goes on.

Philbert said...

Did I mention Peter Frampton? Any configuration of Fleetwood Mac without Peter Green?

Uncle E said...

OK, I call into evidence EXHIBIT "A": The lyrics to Moonshadow....
'Oh, I'm bein' followed by a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow
Leapin and hoppin' on a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow

And if I ever lose my hands, lose my plough, lose my land,
Oh if I ever lose my hands, Oh if.... I won't have to work no more.
And if I ever lose my eyes, if my colours all run dry,
Yes if I ever lose my eyes, Oh if.... I won't have to cry no more.

And if I ever lose my legs, I won't moan, and I won't beg,
Yes if I ever lose my legs, Oh if.... I won't have to walk no more.
And if I ever lose my mouth...

"If I should ever lose my mouth..." We all should be so lucky, 'CAT'.
...and 'Leapin and Hoppin'???? What the hell kind of medieval D & D lyric is that?

Cat Stevens WISHES he was Dennis De Young, my man!
Domo arigato, Mr. Philbert, Domo arigato...