Monday, January 7, 2008

I've Been Bamboozled!!

A while back while surfing I came across a review of one of my favorite albums, The Stone Roses, and decided to look at the comments to see what folks thought about this amazing record in the 2000's (still don't know what to call this decade!). Mostly 5 star ratings (no surprise there), then a…GASP!…ONE STAR REVIEW! I was horrified, horrified I tells ye, that someone could give this magnificent slab of plastic a friggin’ one star rating. As I read on my face became more flush and I could feel my blood pressure rising to unsafe levels.

The man’s name is Allan Williamson and here’s his review:

“When Mike & The Mechanics ushered in the `Madchester' scene with The Living Years it was only a matter of time before these jokers attempted to jump on the bandwagon. If you want to be adored you should write some decent songs lads!
Verdict: don't waste your money.”

Mad as hell, I could not let this freak get away with this…travesty. So I replied to him thusly:

“Mike and the Mechanics ushering in the Madchester scene? You must subscribe to Roling Stone magazine, 'lad'. "The Living Years" was just soft adult fake prog pabulum, created (or should I say, manufactured) by a bunch of aging second rate hipsters with graying ponytails who couldn't usher in their own garbage tin from the street much less a pop scene! In addition, they weren't even from Manchester, where you had to be from, to usher in the MADCHESTER scene. Get it? The Happy Mondays and the Stone Roses were the real progenitors of the Madchester scene.
Bottom line, it is a great album by a great band whose flame burned out quicker than their ambitions and a wonderful and important part of late 80's early 90's pop music scene.

Cheers Lad”

So then I decided to search out more of Mr. Allen Williamson’s reviews, just to see what other 'classics' he was mangling.
Here's what I found:

PURPLE RAIN, BY PRINCE: “Nobody likes a show-off, particularly one who falsely refers to himself as a prince and who produces trash like this. When Doves Cry is an unashamed rip off of MC Hammer's excellent Pray and the title track is far too long for my liking. Save your money.”

ASTRAL WEEKS, BY VAN MORRISON: “ Astral WEAK, more like! You'd have to be an absolute idiot to enjoy this. It doesn't even have Brown Eyed Girl which is the only half decent thing Mr Morrison ever did. And what sort of name is Van? Stick to Ronan Keating for that bit of Irish soul.”

THE HOLY GRAIL (movie), MONTY PYTHON: “ This isn't funny! If I went around saying "Ni" thinking I was some kind of great comedian rather than laugh people would point me towards the nearest lunatic asylum! Try some comedy which actually makes sense like the Vicar of Dibley.”

LEGEND, BY BOB MARLEY: "Most of the songs here are pleasant enough but Mr Marley is no Chaka Demus and Pliers. It is also disappointing to note that Mr Marley reportedly took drugs during his lifetime."

ALL MY BEST, BY PAUL MCCARTNEY: "Well played, Mr. McCartney! When compiling this retrospective 'best of' compilation Mr McCartney wisely ignored all of his output from his ill advised stint with the Beatles and selected songs purely from his solo career and his other band Wings. Let 'Em In, Mull of Kintyre and of course the Frog Chorus are true classics not to be missed. Get it now!"

MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, BY HANSON: "When these lovely ladies burst onto the scene with Mmmmbop back in the nineties it was obvious they had a classic on their hands. The other songs on this marvellous album stand up just as well and I think people will still be talking about Middle of Nowhere 100 years from now. Verdict: very good indeed

And, my personal favorite, a review on the Beatles Revolver, which is when I came to the obvious realization that this cat was brilliantly putting me, and the rest of the so-called ’serious’ reviewers, on:

REVOLVER, BY THE BEATLES: “Who buys this? This is bad even by the Beatles standards. Not even Yellow Submarine or Ringo's excellent drumming can save this one I'm afraid. Verdict: avoid.”

Hey, it happens to the best of us, eh?

Look his other reviews up on Amazon, if you’re feeling bored. Freakin’ hilarious!


Greg Pate said...

Yes, yes-- I felt my blood pressure rising too when I read Mr. Whatever's comments about Monty Python. But I was soon on to him, as well, cheeky fellow.

By the way, this strange decade could be referred to as the "aughts." Like, "I wish we aughtn't have elected that dumbasss...twice."

Mr. Wapcatlet ting-bottle Flibbertygibbet said...

Oh brother! What kind of thing is this Monty Python thing? That sounds so stoopid! I heard of them from a (former) friend who went on and on about them, complaining about the tea, "Oh, they don't make it properly here, so they, not like at home." And bleeding Watney's Red Barrel and some bloated fat tart with her hair Brylcreamed down, her big arse presenting flamenco for foreigners.... Anyway they certainly aren't funny in the least. Very few pratfalls and no redneck jokes whatsoever. What kind of a name is "Monty Python" anyway? That's so stuuupid. I mean, AAAAGGHHH! THERE'S A WASP IN HERE!! AAAARRRGG!! GET OUT OF---OH MOTHER OF GOD!!!!